Football Explained by an Idiot

2:01 AM

I actually know what I’m writing about today! That may be refreshing for my one reader. Again, hello Mom. Yesterday (two days ago? It’s technically Tuesday morning) was Super Bowl Sunday. The Patriots and the Falcons played and the Patriots won in the first Super Bowl overtime ever. It was VERY exciting, and that is coming from someone who understands football just as much a ceiling tile understands losing yourself to the spirit of dance. I don’t entirely enjoy saying I don’t understand football because I don’t want to sound like that person who’s like “OMIGAWD I DON’T GET IT” but internally is a die hard football fan, but I honestly don’t understand it. People keep trying to explain it to me, and it’s honestly pointless. My big goal fro this Super Bowl was that I was going to watch the game and leave understanding football. It failed pretty miserably, but I think it may be entertaining to try to explain it all here. So I present to you a new segment:

FOOTBALL EXPLAINED BY AN IDIOT

Okay so! They start and there are two teams. I don’t know how they choose who starts, but that isn’t a not understanding problem. That’s a me not paying attention problem. ANYWAY! One team starts. They make a line of people and the quarterback is behind them and the quarterback gets the ball and decides what to do with it. The goal is to get the ball to the other side of the field for a touchdown which is six points (but more on that later). They have four chances to get the ball somewhere. I’m pretty sure these are called downs. If they pass one of the lines during the four downs before they get tackled they get to move closer and the downs start over again. I think the white lines that show where the yards are are where they are trying to get to. If they don’t make it in the four downs the other team gets the ball. If they move forward though they stop either wherever they get tackled or they go out of bounds. Out of bounds is better though because then the clock stops and there is more time to try to get a touchdown. If they get knocked out of bounds though they have to have both feet on the ground inside the field otherwise it doesn’t count and I guess the other team gets it.

Quick break in this explanation: I feel like this is the only sport where everyone is like “yay! They’re out of bounds! Just an observation.

OKAY back to this explanation. If they get tackled and drop the ball then the ball goes to the other team I think(?) Sometimes the ball gets intercepted, and I think that’s a good thing for the team that is the interceptor. Fumbles are bad though. That’s when the ball gets dropped.

So let’s say that one team gets a touchdown. They have to be all the way inside the rectangle at the end of the field. If they get there that is 6 points. After that they can do a field goal which is one point. That’s where they kick the ball through the goal posts (I really hope that’s the right term). There’s also some other thing called a 2 point conversion that happens a lot last night, but I had never heard of it before then so that’s new.

Maybe there are fads in football. Maybe the 2 point conversion is one of the hip new things that all the cool teams are doing. Then next year there will be a new thing and 2 point conversions will be sooooooo last year.

ANYWAY! I think you can do that instead of a field goal. My guess is it means you try to run the ball into the touchdown rectangle after you made a touchdown (or maybe you can do it before or instead of. I don’t know, man. Bear with me). This way you get two points instead of one point. So that’s how the points work. But then, after the ball goes to the other team, I think the team who had the ball before has to kick it to the other team and then they can run and wherever they catch it is where they start. If they get it all the way to the other END ZONE! I have been saying touchdown rectangle. That is embarrassing. Sorry, let me finish that sentence: If they get it all the way into the other end zone I think it means the team gets to start the ball somewhere specific. The game goes on from there.

That, ladies and gentlemen, one million run-on sentences later, is my in depth understanding of the game of football. Believe it or not, I understand it so much more than I used to. It’s pitiful. I know. I hope I didn’t offend anyone with my lack of knowledge. I’m trying my best I swear. That being said, I understand when it gets exciting and the game last night was EXCITING AS ALL HECK!

I best be off. Next time I’ll write about something I know about.

Good Night and Good Morning

Carly