I CAN'T SLEEP

3:18 AM

I can’t sleep.

I have been on a quest to be asleep or at least be tired since 12. I was so proud of myself too! The clock turned to 12, and I was trying to be asleep. Then I laid awake until 1:10 trying to force myself to be asleep. I’ve been reading since then. I got to page 100 in my book (actually 101 because there was a super long sentence and I can’t just stop reading in the middle of a paragraph obviously), and suddenly it was 3. I feel like I should be dead tired by now. Hopefully this helps!!!

My brain is going on fire right now. I don’t know why. My thoughts are like a ton of tiny alarm clocks that keep going off but the snooze button is broken so they just keep piling up and when I go to unplug the alarm clock or take out the batteries I realize *surprise* it’s a solar powered alarm clock and HOW DO YOU TURN OFF THE SUN!

When I was younger that was a very real fear I had. I can’t remember if I’ve written about this previously, but I was really worried that I was going to be alive when the sun exploded. I thought about it a lot. Thank goodness I took Astronomy this year, or I would still be living my life in fear. If for no other reason, I now feel relatively confident I won’t be killed by the sun exploding.

ACTUALLY would you die from that? You would, right? Like I feel like (insert light years and math and blah blah blah pretend it’s here) the sun would explode and then after however long we would all just get barbecued.

Is this morbid? I really don’t mean it to be! Please read this in the spirit of fun because the sun isn’t going to explode for a long time so we can talk about this like it’s fun! Tragedy - Time = Comedy!

Wait….

(Math has never been my strong suit)

(bah-dum-tis) (I really hope you read that the way it sounds in my head)

That’s weird though. You know all the stuff that’s like “How do we know we see the same color because one person can never know what another person sees”…how do we know that anything is standard? How do we know that the text that I see I’m typing isn’t different to other people or that sounds are the same. We don’t! It could just be standardized differently in other people’s minds. Life is cool.

I really like writing stream of consciousnesses. I type out a lot of them during class (I mean I pay complete attention all the time…) but I can’t post them here because the whole premise of this is that I’m typing at night. But I guess I’ve taken stuff from there once and put it in here…I’m sorry!

Streams of consciousness are weird though. This is pretty much a stream of consciousness. I don’t know what would be different. Well…I mean…it’s like…all streams lead to oceans and I don’t want to drown everyone in the oceans of my brain. The streams are kinda fun though! For me at least. I was gonna say whoever is reading this is a captive audience but you’re not…you can very much leave this page whenever you want.

I really need to try to go to sleep because I have to wake up early but I feel like the second I stop typing I’m going to be lying in bed staring at the ceiling until 7:55 AM when I finally manage to get to sleep before my alarm goes off at 8.

I haven’t “not been able to sleep” like this in a while. I think it’s because in my brain the stakes of my going to sleep are higher because I know I have to do several things tomorrow so my miniature self in my brain is like “AHHH GO TO SLEEP NOW” and that’s a lot of pressure and I feel unsafe so….

Also I think I had too much caffeine today. That could also be it.

I think it’s both! Huzzah! Mystery solved (not really)

Well…by the time I get this uploaded and looking somewhat readable it’s going to be about 3:20. I read a quote in an insomniac notebook thing (I don’t consider myself an insomniac by the way. I’m just someone who doesn’t sleep a lot…)…“You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night to write”. I really liked that quote a lot. I especially like it because it’s really the essence of this blog. A jumble of thoughts written, unedited, at a time where I have no filter. I also never regret anything I write here.

I totally just jinxed myself, but I’ll deal with that later.

Okay. I’m going to try to get to sleep. We’ll see if it actually happens! Thanks for making it to the end of this collection of words!

Good Night and Good Morning

Carly